Libido Mismatch

From A Woman Always Wanting

Photo by Emiliano Vittoriosi on Unsplash

As with most people, I’ve gone through stages in my life where I’ve had an increase or decrease in my need for sexual attention. I know that women especially have ups and downs for various reasons like changes in hormone levels, and carrying the mental load. Or, even something like having an inattentive partner.

There are so many things that can impact the libido.

One of the reasons I started writing erotica about two years ago is because I realized I’d been setting aside my need for sexual intimacy and wanted to “reclaim” that aspect of my life.

From puberty I’d been told that arousal was sinful, women should be pure, and chastity was valued… in women. So, I kept my desire tucked away where no one could see it; ashamed and fearful that someone might find out about how much I longed for sexual stimulation, how often I masturbated, and the growing need to be wanted.

Even in loving, safe, long-term relationships I hid. I’d secretly wish my partner would stay up late watching tv, or get called into work, or need to go out of town so I could take care of my own needs on days he wasn’t interested.

I was embarrassed about having a vibrator; locking it away in a drawer under stacks of clothes, scarves, and nylons.

For me, I’ve found that my need for intimacy has stayed pretty even. It was always there, lurking under the surface, denied regularly. I tried to forget about it and be that “pure” and chaste person I was told I should be.

Circumstances in my life determined where I prioritized pleasure, and usually it wasn’t near the top.

Even when I was with someone, they’re pleasure was more important than mine. Once they orgasmed it was time to roll over and go to sleep, even if I wasn’t done yet.

There was one instance I distinctly remember where my partner and I had an impromptu, need-driven, passionate sexual experience. It was intense and we were both locked in on each other. I was out of my head and fully in the moment. It was fabulous… and then he came.

Everything stopped.

I had been seconds away from my own orgasm but the moment he was done—me huffing a whine of frustration—he left the room for me to finish on my own.

It sucked.

It took me what seemed like forever to finish myself off… his cum leaking out of me the whole time.

It was then that something switched in me. I started deconstructing my view of sex. The hypocrisy and inequity stared me dead in the face and I stopped being afraid of expressing my wants, needs, and expectations.

That brings me to two years ago.

The BookTok craze had started and women all over the place were sharing their book boyfriends, kinks, and turn-ons all over social media. Books featuring dark romance, taboo relationships, and rarely discussed topics were on the top seller lists.

I read the L.O.R.D.S series, The Story of O, and The Gallows Hill books. I read about bikers, step siblings, the mafia, golden retriever boyfriends, bondage, blood play, cum swapping, sex clubs, reverse harem why choose, and everything else that was out there.

And I wanted more.

I couldn’t get enough.

My imagination ran wild and I decided to start writing to fill in the gaps.

I’d always processed my feelings through written word, so this seemed a natural progression.

What I didn’t expect, though, is how much it would change my sex life. It was as if my body was given permission to feel, finally. I didn’t have to hide how horny I was all the time, and that came out in my conversations, writing, and in the bedroom.

It was a clear example of what my step-dad used to say: What you focus on is what you’ll focus on. Daydreaming and creating stories about sex and desire helped me see sex and desire all around me.

It lived out loud and wouldn’t be stuffed into my bedside drawer anymore.

My partner was all for it—like most men would be I think—but it soon became clear that we had a huge mismatch in libido.

Sure, he was getting older which has its own issues, lowering desire, in most cases, and I had a hysterectomy that put me in menopause which can increase libido, but if we were being honest with ourselves, the mismatch had always been there… just hidden.

That got me researching.

That’s when I discovered that there are two types of desire: Responsive (or reactive) and Spontaneous.

Responsive Desire

My partner has this type of desire which often ignites due to external cues. He can go about his day, week, month, and have no inclination toward arousal, but the second he’s touched a certain way, sees me bend over, or notices me give him specific look he’s ready to go.

It doesn’t surprise me that this is the way he goes about life. He’s stoic and analytical. He has a high-stress job and is level-headed in every situation. He’s a rock.

So, when he told me he’d like to watch me be with someone—sit in the corner and watch how my body responded while someone pleasured me—it both surprised me and clicked some things into place.

All those times I waited for him to initiate and didn’t made me doubt myself when all along it was because he needed a little push to remind him to think about sex.

How did I use that information to my advantage?

I started flirting with him, bending over suggestively, smacking his ass, and telling him how sexy he is. There are so many tools in my arsenal. Waiting to hear him coming to bed and starting yoga stretches in a short nightgown and no underwear is one of my favorites.

The bottom line is that as soon as we figured out this about him, we looked for ways to prompt that desire during the day to keep him thinking about sex. This won’t work with everyone, but for us it’s changed everything.

Spontaneous Desire

It’s no surprise I have Spontaneous Desire which tends to start in the imagination. Of course there is a responsive aspect, but for the most part, my imagination just runs wild all day long. That sensual aspect of my personality is difficult to reign in but is fun at the end of the day.

It leaks out in the jokes I make, looks I give, and interactions with people. I’ve been told I have a hedonistic aura, vulgar sense of humor, erotic vibe. I used to hate those comments, but now I embrace them.

Understanding my body and striving for inhibition can be seen and felt by those around me.

Pair me with a partner where we blend the two types of desire together and holy fuck it’s difficult to get anything done.

The Mismatch

Navigating our relationship has been a long process of trial and error but our sex life has been the most challenging. There have been times where one or both of us feel undesirable, frustrated, worthless, and rejected.

The good news is that we both value communication.

Talking about how we feel and where we need more attention has been a game changer. Him giving me permission to see other people served both of us. I get my constant flirting, validation, and feelings of desirability, and he gets to witness it.

Every time my boyfriend’s name is brought up, that’s the spark he needs as a responsive person. It’s as though my boyfriend is in the room with us, so to speak, when I tell my partner all about my time with him.

While I know this arrangement might not work for everyone, it’s perfect for us.

So, the truth is, I’d bet that most relationships have some sort of mismatch in libido. Maybe not all the time, but at least on occasion. The key is to not get frustrated or let the feelings of rejection or undesirability get out of control.

Talk to your partner. Think about non-traditional ways to mitigate it. Experiment and enjoy the adventure.